There's one in every family

Archive for May, 2005

There May Still Be Time!
(Better Every Year Jones)

From the Interesting-News-Stories Dept.

Ever notice how many people seem to make it big at such a young age these days? You watch TV and here comes another teenager or young 20-something who has already changed the world, made several million dollars and is now looking to retire... Makes normal people seem almost mediocre, eh? Well if you haven't reached 60 yet, you may still get your chance... Better yet, a recent study on Age and Great Invention concludes you are more likely to do something innovative as a 30, 40 or 50 year old than as a 20 year old!

The work was done by Benjamin F. Jones of the Kellogg School of Management... He studied nobel prize winners and great inventors from the last 100+ years... His conclusion? "Great achievements in knowledge are produced by older innovators today than they were a
century ago..." In fact, the average age of the people he studied increased over 6 years from the start of the 20th century until today! People these days spend more time getting an education, learning skills, and gaining experience... The result being that great innovations are common for people in their 30’s (42% of the total studied), continue into the 40's (30%), and taper off to 14% beyond the age of 50... In fact, only 7% of the people studied produced a great achievement at or before the age of 26!!!

(There's hope for me yet!)

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road Illegally?
(Legal Eagle Jones)

From the Site-News Dept.

The state of California, rather than answering the age old question of why the chicken crossed the road, simply made it illegal... But there are apparently loopholes... Back in march, Linc and Helena Moore were fined $54 after their chicken crossed the road in the town of Johannesburg in Kern county... Furthermore, they were warned they could face minor misdemeanor charges if the chicken kept at it! Why? Because California law bans livestock from highways...

But then the lawyers got involved... And the chicken got off scott free! The judge dismissed the charges and threw out the fine after the Moore's lawyer argued argued that the fowl was domesticated and could not be classified as livestock... And domesticated animals can apparently cross the road anytime they want!

The Moores say they were fined because of their repeated complaints that local authorities had not done enough to curb off-road drivers... "For the last two-and-a-half years, no-one has been able to stop the kids riding their bikes in the middle of the road or the neighbors' dogs running around our neighborhood," Linc Moore was quoted as saying... "But when our chicken escaped and crossed the road once it became a huge issue..."

(I was waiting for the chicken to be put on the stand and cross-examined as to why it crossed the road in the first place!)

Look Close!
(Jedi Under The Magnifying Glass Jones)

From the Geek-News Dept.

Have you seen Star Wars - Episode III: Revenge of the Sith yet? Think you saw everything? Think again! Lucas and company have hidden lots of Easter Eggs in the movie - if you know what to look or listen for at just the right time... For example:

  • During the opening space battle, a blue laser beam from a Republic Star Destroyer splits a Banking Clan frigate in two, sending debris streaming into space... Look close as the camera follows some of the debris - that is, indeed, a kitchen sink!
  • Take a close look at the docking bays at the Senate, there's a tiny Millennium Falcon entering at the bottom! Plus, there are at least three Naboo star skiffs!
  • Pay attention at the Galaxies Opera House, talking to Senator Chi Eekway is the blue-skinned Baron Papanoida - cameos by director George Lucas and his daughter Katie Lucas! His other daughter, Amanda Lucas, is also in this shot as Senator Terr Taneel...
  • When the Alderaanian starship Tantive IV returns to Coruscant for the special session of the Senate, pay attention to the pilot - it's Jeremy Bulloch, the man who played Boba Fett in the original trilogy!
And that's just some of the little "extras" that show up in the movie... So if you missed them, go see the movie again! And if you find more, let us know!

Someone Really Likes Frogs...
(Ribbit Jones)

From the Visit-This-Web-Site Dept.

Ever wonder if you like a particular animal a little too much? Like maybe you really like frogs... A lot... Sandra Loosemore does! So much so that she has The Froggy Page - a web site devoted to everything froggy... Need a frog picture? She's got tons! Looking for frog literature? She's got that too! There are also famouse frogs, frong songs, frogs on the net, frog news, and more... It makes for an interesting visit on a late night when you are looking for something to do...

Gone Forever... Hey, I Found One!
(Ecological Jones)

From the Interesting-News-Stories Dept.

First, it was the Ivory-billed Woodpecker, thought to be extinct since the mid-1940's... Researchers discovered at least one Ivory-bill in the Big Woods of the Cache River Refuge in eastern Arkansas during an expedition earlier this year...

Now it is the Mount Diablo buckwheat flower.. Thought to have been extinct since Last seen in 1936, it was rediscovered in a remote section of Mount Diablo State Park just this month...

And these are just some of the more popularized examples... Other recent discoveries of "extinct" wildlife include

  • The Cobble Elimia snail, the Nodulose Coosa River snail, and the Cahaba Pebble Snail were all recently found in Alabama... They were all thought extinct since the 1960s...
  • Dozens of Canterbury Knobbed Weevils were found in New Zealand this month after being thought extinct since 1922...
  • A herd of Giant Sable Antelopes was found in Angola last month... They were thought to have become extinct in the 1970s...
All of which goes to show that (A) we have another opportunity with some of these creatures to ensure that we do not lose them once and for all and (B) we need better methods for determining if wildlife is actually extinct before saying it is...

(I'm still waiting for them to find a lost herd of dinosaurs somewhere... That will really be exciting!)

Fairy Tales
(Mother Goose Jones)

From the Finally-They-Got-It-Right Dept.

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"

He replied, "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected I promise'."

Fly To Dubai, See The World!
(Globetrotting Jones)

From the Places-To-Go-and-Things-To-See Dept.

How long does it take to go from one side of The World to another? Just a few minutes by helicopter! That is, of course, if you are talking about Nakheel's The World, Dubai's latest and most exclusive property development.. The World will consist of approximately 300 man-made islands strategically positioned to form the shape of the world map... Each island ranges from 120,000 to 450,000 square feet in size (11,150-41,810 square meters) and falls into one of four categories: private homes, estate homes, dream resorts, and community islands... With approximately 100 meters of water between each island, The World is about 9 kilometers by 6 kilometers (about 5.6x3.7 miles)... To further enhance privacy (not to mention the risk of spoiling the map) each island is only going to be accessible by air or water... The whole thing sits 4 kilometers (3.5 miles) offshore from Dubai at a point halfway between Burj Al Arab and Port Rashid, close to Nakheel's The Palm...

So how popular is The World? "We have even had three buyers fly in from Europe over night in order to purchase islands," said Sultan Ahmed bin Sulayem, Chairman of Nakheel... Pretty impressive when you consider each island goes for 23 million AED to 135 million AED (about $6.3 million to $36.7 million U.S)... "We have, however, made it clear from the outset of this project that we will screen all applications very carefully to ensure that they fit the exact criteria that you would expect for such an iconic project and as purchasers would expect when building their island," Sultan Ahmed bin Sulayem said...

(So if you have the millions, this is your chance to buy all of Japan! Or England! Or at least the island representing it, anyways...)

Camel Saddle?
(I do be done seen about everything Jones)

From the Truth-Is-Stranger-Than-Fiction Dept.

A West Virginia woman who was painting a fence had to call 911 after a camel sat on her and pinned her to the ground, according to a May 19 Associated Press story.

Volunteer firefighters helped move the 1,500-pound camel off the woman, according to the ambulance driver.

"There is no protocol on something like this," he said.

The woman reports that she has cancelled next week's painting assignment at a nearby elephant sanctuary.

Uh.... She couldn't see this coming?

A Bridge Over Troubled Waters...
(Simian Jones)

From the Interesting-News-Stories Dept.

The city of Kurobe in Toyama has finished building Japan's first publicly funded suspension bridge built for monkeys... When the Unazuki Dam in the Kurobe Gorge was completed in 2001, the lake it created prevented a large group of Japanese macaques from getting to their traditional feeding grounds... Not standing on tradition, the monkeys simply invaded nearby farms and towns and took whatever they could find... The 137 meter (450 foot) bridge gives the monkeys access to their old turf and is part of a 27 million yen (250,000 U.S. dollar) project to stop the monkey crime spree... "It's a battle of wits between humans and monkeys," a local resident said...

Powerful, The Force Is...
(Yoda Jones)

From the Interesting-News-Stories Dept.

So how big is a blockbuster weekend? George Lucas can tell you... Star Wars - Episode III: Revenge of the Sith opened midnight on Thursday... Since then:

  • It set an opening day record in the U.S. with over $50 million in ticket sales on Thursday - $16.5 million of that just from the midnight showings
  • It set a 3-day record taking in over $124.7 million from Thursday to Saturday
  • It set an opening weekend record with over $158.5 million in sales
  • It set a world opening weekend record with over $303 million worldwide since Wednesday
That is huge! This one movie accounted for 70% of the sales for movies in the top 10, and accounted for over 2/3 of all ticket sales for the weekend! When you consider it (only) cost $113 million to make the movie, they've already tripled that... This will only add to the $3.4 billion (with a B) that the Star Wars films have already earned at the box office...

The Sith Take On Japan?
(ARGH Jones)

From the Geek-News Dept.

Have you seen Star Wars - Episode III: Revenge of the Sith yet? After waiting years for the release date, and then standing hours in line to attend the midnight premiere, some fans at the Loews Cineplex at Monmouth Mall in Eatontown, New Jersey, only got to see part of it! The movie had started, and all was going well, when suddenly Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi started to speak Japanese!!! The audience started chanting "stop the movie, stop the movie" until the lights came on and the manager told the audience that the movie would not continue because somehow the reels were incorrect... The fans were offered to sqeeze into another theater, get a pass to attend again another time, or get a refund...

(Major disappointment! I'm surprised the crowd didn't start slicing the theater apart with their lightsabers...)

Stay Short Kid, It's Cheaper...
(Taller Jones)

From the Interesting-News-Stories Dept.

Ah, the children's discount! Many places allow kids to ride the bus, enter parks, and do lots of other things for reduced price - sometimes even free... Most, however, base the price cut on the child's age... China bases it on the kids' height! Kids under 110cm (about 3 feet, six inches) tall can ride the bus for free, enter parks for free, and much more... Which is starting to pose a problem...

"The 110cm standard is outdated in the light of our children's physical development status," Quan Zhongmin, a delegate to the Beijing Municipal People's Political and Consultative Conference... Wang Mei, a source from the National Physical Development Office under the General Administration of Sport, said that 6 year old boys have increased from an average height was 118.3 centimeters in 1995 to over 121.9 in 2000... Girls increased from 117.4 centimeters to 121.6... All thanks to good nutrition...

So what to do? Raise the height limit, of course! Cities and provinces have started raising the limit to 130cm (about 4 feet, 3 inches)...

(Let's see... About 118cm in 1995... And 122cm in 2000... That means that if they keep increasing the limit to match the kids, I'll be able to get in free in another 86 years!)

Want To Win? Wear A Red Shirt!
(Champion Jones)

From the Interesting-News-Stories Dept.

Like sports? Then you need to buy some red shirts... Why? Because you are more likely to win if you are wearing red! University of Durham researchers Russell Hill and Robert Barton studied sporting events where the participants were randomly assigned red outfits, red protective gear, wore shirts of different colors in different rounds, etc... They studied boxing, tae kwon do, Greco-Roman wrestling and freestyle wrestling in the 2004 Olympics... They also studied the Euro 2004 international soccer tournament...

The result? "We find that wearing red is consistently associated with higher probability of winning," the researchers said in their results, published in the journal Nature... Previous research by different scientists showed levels of the male sex hormone testosterone are highest in footballers when they play a game at home... Co-author Dr Robert Barton said such a response might be acting here... "Whether red suppresses the testosterone of the opponent or boosts the testosterone of the individual wearing red, we don't know at the moment. We're going to look at that," Barton said... "My hunch is that there is a bit of both going on." Or it could be a deep-seated response that works subconsciously to put opponents on the defensive... Either way, the scientists suggest the findings could have implications for regulations on sportswear in competitions... Barton said "something that's possibly interesting is that in many British sports there used to be the regulation that competitors had to wear white... I just wonder whether that was a subconscious awareness of the need to establish a level playing field..."

Go Sightseeing Without Leaving Your Home!
(It's A Small World Jones)

From the Visit-This-Web-Site Dept.

Like most people, you probably have a list of places you'd like to go someday... Also, like most people, you are probably waiting for the time or money to go all those places... Well, if any of them are in North America, you can probably go see them right now - and without leaving your house! Check out http://www.googlesightseeing.com! Using satellite images from Google Maps, Alex, James & Olly from the United Kingdom have started putting together a list of all sorts of nifty sights worth seeing:

  • Bermuda! Get away from it all on this island paradise!
  • Like baseball? How about taking a look at Yankee Stadium in New York? Or maybe Boston's Fenway Park?
  • Into conspiracy theories? Check out the CIA headquarters at Langley! This may be the closest you ever get!
  • Or check out Walt Disney World! Better still, you can fly across all the the theme parts there - get an idea of how big the Disney experience is...
And there's lots more! The site is updated reguarly by people submitting points of interest, landmarks, and such from all over... So take a look, take a trip, and if they don't have your favorite spot, submit it!

Food You Shouldn't Eat At The Computer...
(Crumbs Everywhere Jones)

From the Geek-News Dept.

Everyone knows they shouldn't, but everyone is going to do it at some point - everyone eats while using the computer... So apart from spilling your drink in your keyboard (which is really, really bad), just what are the worst foods to eat at the computer? Lucky for us, Becky Roberts at TechRepublic has come up with a list! She evaluated foods based on the propensity of the food to fall, the likelihood of the food becoming stuck in the keyboard, and the difficulty of getting it out of the keyboard... The top worst foods?

  • Plain whole grain rice... It falls easily and gets stuck easily and you have to let it dry to have any hope of getting it out... Unless you mush it in there first...
  • Angel hair pasta... OK, it's not really the pasta - it's the sauce on the pasta... And angle hair pasts tends to let sauce fall off way to easily...
  • Sunflower seeds with shells... Never attempt to eat these at the computer... Don't believe it? Go try it...
  • Puffed Rice cereal... Especially when dry, puffed rice tends to crumble to dust, fly around, and generally get everywhere... And it is almost impossible to clean up completely...
  • Jelly... Jelly is inherently unstable and apt to become separated from its means of transportation... And then you have sticky, semi-liquid gunk all over your keyboard...
So now you know...

Las Vegas is 100! ( But Did You Know This? )
(The House Always Wins Jones)

From the Places-To-Go-and-Things-To-See Dept.

Las Vegas was discovered by Rafael Rivera in the 1700's when he discovered an oasis on the Spanish Trail leading to Los Angeles... They called it Las Vegas, Spanish for The Meadows... Nothing much else happened until 1904 when the railroad came through - the city was offically founded on May 15, 1905 when the San Pedro, Los Angeles and Salt Lake Railroad auctioned off 1,200 lots - 110 acres of what is today downtown... Which makes Las Vegas 100 years old! Which we will celebrate with these other little known facts:

  • There were 37,388,781 tourists in 2004, spending over $33.7 billion
  • Las Vegas had over $6.8 billion just in gaming revenue in 2004 - For comparison the GDP of 80 countries was less than that
  • For 2004, the average gambling budget reported by visitors was $545
  • The highest slot jackpot ever was $39,713,982.25 at the Excalibur hotel-casino on March 21, 2003
  • The hotel occupancy rate is 92% (95% on weekends) - the rest of the country is averages 61%
  • Over 5,000 people move to Las Vegas every month, making it the nation's fastest-growing city
  • 2 acres of Las Vegas land are developed every hour of every day for commercial or residential use
  • Liberace made $50,000 a week playing the Riviera when it opened in 1955 - Celine Dion makes over $832,500 a week at Caesars Palace now
  • A shrimp cocktail cost 99 cents at the Golden Gate Casino in 1959 - A shrimp cocktail at Golden Gate Casino in 2004 still costs 99 cents
  • The Gambler's Special at Mr. Lucky's 24/7 in the Hard Rock costs $7.77 - The special has never been listed on a menu, but locals know to ask for it
  • The Excalibur hotel-casino sells over 1.2 million alcoholic beverages each month
  • There are 12.5 million LED bulbs in the Fremont Street Experience canopy
  • There are 216,510 bulbs on the Caesars Palace faux Christmas tree
  • The famous Vegas welcome sign was put up in 1946.
  • The Vegas Vic neon sign was erected in 1951, stands 75 feet tall, and weighs over 6 tons

Better Than Pink Flamingos and Gnomes...
(Landscaping Jones)

From the Interesting-News-Stories Dept.

Looking for something to spruce up the landscape? Forget the lawn gnomes, sculpted hedges, and all the normal brick-a-brack... What you need are Highland cattle! That's right: authentic, Scottish Highland cattle! Nigel and Angela Taylor live near Castle Douglas in Dumfries and Galloway, Scotland, and initially bought two Highland cows to "keep the grass down"... Now they are breeding the animals for friends, who see the animals as perfect four-legged lawn ornaments... "We’ve just sold calves to a friend who wanted Highlanders to look nice in front of the estate house," Nigel said... "I also know of three people in the immediate vicinity of our place who own one to three animals, mainly to look nice in the front yard. There are many people who get them for their aesthetic qualities but go on to find that they are wonderful animals."

Ken Brown, president of the Highland Cattle Society, based in Thornhill, Dumfriesshire, classifies owners such as the Taylors as amateur owners and hobby farmers... They've had over 100 hobby farmers join the society in the last 2 years... "If you have a 10-acre field around your house, then what better way to decorate it than with Highland cows," he said...

Pay No Attention To The Mine Behind The Woman...
(You Caught Us Jones)

From the Interesting-News-Stories Dept.

How do you stop people from noticing a huge strip mining operation just outside of town? Why artwork, of course! In this case, the mine is just 10 miles outside of Newcastle, England... And the art is the "Goddess of the North"... The Banks Group mining company hired artist Charles Jencks to use the mine waste in a sculpture... And what a sculpture! The reclining female figure will take over 3 years to make, run half a mile along the side of the A1 highway, and have breasts rising 100 feet off the ground... Plus, there will be footpaths wending their way over and around it as part of a "land-art park"...

(Mine? What mine?)

< Cough >< Cough >, Sorry, I'll Be Sick That Day... < Cough >
(Playing Hookey Jones)

From the Geek-News Dept.

Thursday, May 19th, looks to be a very unhealthy day... Friday the 20th doesn't look much better... Why? Because Star Wars - Episode III: Revenge of the Sith is opening Thursday the 19th! "There is a lot of anticipation to see the final movie," said John Challenger, CEO of outplacement firm Challenger, Gray & Christmas... "With opening day falling on a Thursday, instead of the traditional Friday premiere, we are looking at two days of 'Star Wars'-induced absenteeism." So how much are we talking about? Challenger started with the assumption that attendance during the first two days will match that of Episode II (9.4 million people)... Then figure that 4.8 million of those fans are employed at least 35 hours per week, with full-timers earning an average of $130.60 per day... Do the math and Challenger figures the two-day cost in lost productivity and wages could be as high as $626.88 million!!! And that's just in the United States!!!

(I think it would be easier if businesses just treated those days as holidays and gave everyone the day off... After all, < Cough >< Cough > I think I'm coming down with something... < Cough >)

Oops! Missed it...
(Fasted Gun In The West Jones)

From the Interesting-News-Stories Dept.

Blink and you'll miss it... Miss what, you ask? Why the opening of a bunchberry dogwood flower, of course! The bunchberry dogwood is native to the northern United States and Canada, but may as well have been part of the Old West... The flowers go from bud to bloom in a mere 1/2 millisecond! This explosive opening catapults the pollen over 2.5 centimeters - more than 10 times the height of the flower... And this is no small feat: during the first 0.3 milliseconds, the stamens accelerate at up to 2,400 G - about 800 times the G-force experienced by astronauts during lift-off! That's a velocity of three meters per second!

(Wow!)

Peas, Help Me!
(Food For Thought Jones)

From the Truth-Is-Stranger-Than-Fiction Dept.

Benjamin Jordan Hylands (14), of Ashburton in New Zealand, was bored... So he and two of his friends decided to go down to the loading docks... They found a South Island Seeds shipping container and decided to break into it... So they used a cigarette lighter to burn the plastic ties keeping the container closed - and were promptly buried under an avalanche of peas!!! Police, fire and ambulance staff had to use a forklift to get them out - the peas had covered them up to their chests... Luckily the boys suffered only minor injuries...

Police Say The Funniest Things...
(Caught On Video Jones)

From the Truth-Is-Stranger-Than-Fiction Dept.

L.A. County Sheriff's Deputy Mike Ascolese likes to collect great quotes from the video cameras in police cars... Some of the recent best?

  • "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."
  • "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
  • "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
  • "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll write you another ticket."
  • "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
(Who says the criminals have all the best lines)

Morbid Curiousity...
(Pondering Jones)

From the Mysteries-Of-The-Universe Dept.

There are 6.5 Billion people living on Earth right now... 150 years from now they will all be dead... Where are we going to bury them all?

Make Holograms At The Kitchen Table!
(Mad Scientist Jones)

From the Geek-News Dept.

Holograms are cool! But have you ever wondered how they are made? Most often, it involves commercial-grade lasers, lots of power, a dark room, highly refined prismas and mirrors for refracting and reflecting the laser, vibration dampening tables, special film, chemicals for processing the film, etc, etc, etc... Which is why most people just buy holograms instead of making their own...

But that may be about to change: Paul Christie, President and C.T.O. of Liti Holographics, has come up with a cheap easy way for people to make holograms at home! The Litiholo Hologram Kit has everything you need to make real 3D laser holograms... And it's only $139 U.S. (about 108 Euro)! And you can use it at the kitchen table - no dark rooms, vibration free tables, or anything else! The kit includes black plastic pieces to keep everything aligned and the right distance apart, a laser that runs on AA batteries, filem (2 by 3 inches on glass plates), and even a toy car to make a hologram of...

(Personally, I'm going to break out the Leia and R2-D2 Star Wars figures... You can probably figure out what my first holograms will look like...)

Almost As Good As Learning From A Jedi Master...
(Use The Force Jones)

From the Geek-News Dept.

One of the coolest things about being a Jedi is learning how to build and use a lightsaber... The allure of using these finely tuned, hand crafted tools is quite compelling... The Jedi know this and often feature lightsabers during their job fairs... But Jedi fans are a tenacious bunch... And it was inevitable that some do-it-yourself Jedi fans would figure out how the lightsaber works... Thankfully, they decided to share with the rest of us!!! The fine folks at How Stuff Works now have an article on How Lightsabers Work!

(I wonder how long until Radio Shack starts selling the component electronics?)

Things my mother taught me
(Survivor Jones)

From the Just-Wanted-To-Share Dept.

This Sunday is Mother's Day, so I thought you'd enjoy this list of things our mothers taught us:

  • My Mother taught me LOGIC: "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me," as well as, "If everyone else jumped off a cliff would you do it too?"
  • My Mother taught me MEDICINE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
  • My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD: "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
  • My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE: "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!"
  • My Mother taught me HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
  • My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
  • My mother taught me about GENETICS: "You are just like your father!"
  • My mother taught me about my ROOTS: "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
  • My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE: "When you get to be my age, you will understand," or, "I will explain it all when you get older."
  • My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: "Just wait until your father gets home."
  • My mother taught me about RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when I get you home."
  • My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
  • My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
  • My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
  • My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
  • My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
  • My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."
  • My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
  • My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: Don't Exaggerate!"
  • My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
  • My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"
  • My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
  • And the all time favorite thing my mother taught me, JUSTICE: "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like! I can't wait!"

So Bad You Can't Help But Share Them With Your Friends...
(Jokester Jones)

From the Joke-Of-The-Day Dept.

  • Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married... The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent...
  • Two hydrogen atoms are talking... One says, "I've lost my electron..." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
  • A jumper cable walks into a bar... The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything..."
  • Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted...
  • A sandwich walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here..."
  • A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
  • A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road..."
  • "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'..." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome..." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual..."
  • Two cows are standing next to each other in a field... Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning..." "I don't believe you," said Dolly... "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy...
  • An invisible man married an invisible woman... The kids were nothing to look at either...
  • A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him..." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth... Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down..." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy..."
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any...
  • I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf... He said, "No, the steaks are too high..."
  • I went to a seafood disco last week... And pulled a mussel...
  • What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh...
  • Two termites walk into a bar... One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

No, It's Your Turn To Do The Laundry...
(Equality Jones)

From the Interesting-News-Stories Dept.

Pep Torres, a designer in Barcelona, Spain, was approached by a white goods manufacturer to come up with an innovative Father's Day gift... He came up with the "Your Turn" washing machine - a machine that does not let the same person do the laundry twice in a row! When the washer is installed, both spouses register their fingerprints on the sensor while it is hooked up to their home computer... Once the sensor is installed, the software will only allow the wash program to start if a different finger is placed on it each time... And for those who really worry about the kids doing laundry, the security ensures only the two registered users can start the machine... "I wanted to come up with an invention to enable men to do more around the home," said Torres, adding, "It was a tongue-in-cheek idea which seemed to catch the imagination..."

(Goodness knows what he would have invented for Mother's Day!)

Is It A Zonkey? A Debra?
(Mixed Up Jones)

From the Truth-Is-Stranger-Than-Fiction Dept.

See, this is what happens when you take a zebra to Barbados! Allison is one of two zebras brought to the Caribbean island from Botswana, in southern Africa, in the early 1990s... She lives at Highland, a six-acre ranch where goats, sheep, ducks and donkeys roam free... Very free, apparently... Because Allison has given birth to Alex... And Alex is part zebra.. And part donkey! He is mostly brown but has black stripes on his white ears and legs... His face is also more donkey than zebra... No word yet on whether he brays like a donkey or barks like a zebra or just what they are going to identify him as... Want to see a picture?


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