Mick Woods of Wakefield, Britain, just wanted some sliced ham... Unfortunately, when he looked at the label, he found dog poop to be listed amoung the ingredients... Literally... So he checked another container and found the same thing! "Obviously I haven't eaten it," he said... "It sort of puts you off..."

Manufacturer H R Hargreaves & Son said it had recently fired an employee for the labelling prank and was trying to recall the affected ham... "We can't have people fooling about with food products," a spokesman said... "A number of packs are affected... We're trying to find out what shops they're in..."

(And you thought MSG or saturated fat were bad ingedients...)

What do you get when you cross Alaska's Iditarod with New York City? The Idiotarod! In this case, four people are "leashed" to a shopping cart while a fifth team member mushes them through a two-borough race across New York City... And, much like the Iditarod, there are only two rules: Visit each checkpoint, and finish the race... Beyond that, things couldn't be more different! For one, the race was held this last Saturday starting in Fort Green Park in Brooklyn and ending in Manhattan's East River Park... In 60 degree weather - hardly an Alaskan winter... Plus, teams are encouraged to use "themes" to separate themselves from the pack - so there was the Barrel of Monkeys, a team of Chiquita bananas, the Hunting Accident, the Long John Silvers, and more... Oh, and sabotage is encouraged... So Team Cobra took great delight in padlocking large items to other members carts, stealing their paperwork so they couldn't get through checkpoints, or just jumping in other teams buggies to weigh them down...

Even with all that, police (who had been mobilized to ensure things did not get out of hand) only wrote a couple of tickets this year - mostly to the Bar Back Mountain team for their portable, fully stocked (and unlicensed) bar on their shopping cart... Which is pretty good when you consider several hundred people participated and hundreds more watched as the teams raced across New York City... So if you are looking to compete in a sporting event next January, start planning now for Idiotarod IV!

Don't do it! Do not call 213-805-0561 (in the U.S.)... You've been warned! And if you go to http://www.dontcallthis.com, you'll be warned again... And then you'll get to hear recordings from all of the people who have called the number! Why? As the site says:

• Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavors, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemon juice?
• Why don’t you ever see the headline, "psychic wins lottery?"
• How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a camp fire?
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown as well?
• How can there be self-help "groups?"
• Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
• If all is not lost, then where is it?
• Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population
• 43.769% of all statistics are made up
• There are three kinds of people in this world those who can count, and those who can not.
• What would a chair look like if our knees bent in the other direction?

The state of Tennessee has announced that after only one year, it's "Crack Tax" has brought in over $2 Million (over 1,6 million Euro) in revenue... Where others saw only illegal drugs, Tennesee saw money on the table... The tax covers all illegal drugs and alcohol sold in the state... When the dealers pay their taxes on their illegal goods (confidentially, of course), they are given a special tax stamp... If they are subsequently arrested for dealing, they only go to jail for the sale of illegal items... If, however, they do not have their stamp, they are charged with dealing in illegals and tax evasion...

(Crazily enough, all money from the tax stamps goes to fighting drugs... Just not to stopping the dealers who pay their taxes but don't get arrested...)

In December, 2003, a skeleton of a woman was found buried at the beach during an extremely low tide near Plouezoc'h, France... French police have spent the last 2 years trying desparately to identify either her or her killer... It was obviously murder: there was a long gash in her skull, probably from an ax, large knife, or other sharp implement... And forensics showed she was a woman in her 30's but could not find any other fibers or clues to identify her... Police could find no record of her in missing persons' files... Their only theory - that she was the wife of a doctor who went missing with his family in 1999 - failed to live up to DNA testing...

And then someone decided to date her... Radiocarbon date her... And found she had been killed between 1401 and 1453!

"We are satisfied because at least we know the date now... We reckon it was pirates," said police spokesman Francois Gerthosser...

People always say to do what you love, and the money will follow... But that is never easy... Especially if, like Chuck Lamb of Columbus, Ohio, you love being dead! That's right - Lamb wants to be a professional dead body! He says it seems the easiest way to achieve his lifelong goal of seeing his name show up in the credits of a movie, and he wanted to show his kids anyone can accomplish something with enough determination... And he has worked hard for the dream... Even developing Dead Body Guy, his own web site showing his skills at being a dead body...

And the dream is coming true! His web site developed so much traffic he has been interviewed on morning shows such as CBS' The Early Show and NBC's Today... Casting agent Kevin Fennessy saw his interviews and approached him with an offer to be a dead body in a new movie coming out called Stiffs! He'll get to be a dead body in a body bag!

It seems like just about anything can tell you about your personality these days... Take how you get undressed, for instance:

• If you throw your clothes all over the place, you are a friendly, life-of-the-party type. You are free with your thoughts and opinions, not caring much about what others think of you. Your parents might think your room looks like a cyclone hit it but it actually represents your happy, individualistic nature!
• If you remove each piece of clothing and put it away carefully, you are a serious person who likes her life to be very calm. You are comfortable with routine, and you believe that the best way to deal with life's problems is to prevent them in the first place. You are a perfectionist. By nature you are quite shy. You are observant and you know more about some people than they think, just because you've watched them. You are dependable and sometimes intense. You think carefully before making decisions. You go about your tasks methodically, with concentration. You know how to pay attention.
• If you take off the shirt, and ten minutes later get around to the pants, you are an extremely self-confident person. You are naturally bright and intellectual. You are also a deep thinker who loves to ask questions and ponder the meaning of things. You hate being rushed and you do not like to be hassled. Usually you like a lot of free time for yourself.
• If you get out of your clothes as quickly as possible, you are concerned about others and what they expect from you, but you're worried about your own needs. You are family-oriented, and stay extremely busy. You often feel stressed, but most of those heavy expectations come from your own head! Give yourself a break; you don't have to be perfect.
• If you take off your rings, earrings, necklace, watch, etc before anything else, you are a warm and sensitive person. You are considerate and thoughtful, and you give good advice to your friends. You are a natural born romantic.
• If you don't have an undressing routine and you never do it the same way twice, you are a very curious and interesting person. You enjoy a broad range of activities. You take risks and enjoy fun and adventure. You are very sociable.

This weekend, a 20-year-old Cal Tech student set a new world's record for solving the brain-twisting Rubik's Cube puzzle, solving the tiled puzzle in 11.13 seconds. The previous world record was 11.75 seconds, set by French puzzle-meister Jean Pons at the Dutch Open competition.

Leyan Lo -- the new record holder -- is part of the university’s Rubik's Cube Club, a group of brainy students that hosted this weekend’s competition at the Exploratorium museum in San Francisco. According to a January 15 AP story, Lo's record-setting time came early in the day, among his first five tries in the preliminary rounds.

Amazingly enough, Lo’s fast-fingered feat didn’t win him the overall championship at this weekend’s competition. That was based on averaging three of five solution times in the final round, and the champ was Shotaro "Macky" Makisumi, a 15-year-old high school sophomore from Pasadena. Makisumi had an average time of 14.91 seconds in the final round to take first place.

But how is he at jigsaw pizzles?

Looking for an easy way to improve your health? Go watch a funny movie - you'll feel better... Really! Scientists from the University of Maryland Medical Center have found that watching comedies increases the blood flow through the heart... They studied the flow of blood through the brachial artery (good for showing overall blood flow) while showing participants several movies over several days... They also restricted the intake of foods or supplements that alter blood flow... The result? "The impact of watching a funny film was equivalent to a bout of aerobic exercise or starting on statin treatment," cardiologist Michael Miller said... And the opposite was true of films showing people in distress - in those cases the blood flow actually dropped below normal... In fact, the difference between a start drama and a wild comedy can be over 50% better blood flow!

Remember what they say: excercise is good for you and best done 3-4 times a week for at least 20 minutes... Most movies are 2 hours! So break out the Blockbuster card, subscribe to NetFlix, or sign up for the Comedy channel on TV and laugh your way to better health!)

First impressions matter... Just ask Adam Ruiz, 29, of Buffalo, New York... Wednesday was his first day on the job at Burger King... He was going through training, meeting everyone, and all seemed to be going OK... Until one cashier remembered her first impression of him - he was the same guy who had robbed that Burger King just last week! The cashier said Ruiz, well dressed, had handed her a note detailing the robbery and then made off with $231... Then apparently came back and applied for a job! Police arrested him... Burger King fired him...

(When they say you need to make a good first impression, this is not how you do it...)

1. When something is "new and improved," which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

2. When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." What good is a stupid cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

3. When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

4. When people say, while watching a movie, "Did you see that?" No, I paid $12.00 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?

5. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

Sean Toehill, 21, of Cupar, Fife, Scotland really doesn't like speed camreas... Not that he speeds - he just doesn't like the cameras... He has found, however, that even if it is just an inanimate object, it is better to be polite...

He had been driving past a mobile speed camera van when he took both hands off the wheel for a quick moment to give the camera a "V-sign"... Police officers showed up at his house 2 days later charge him with "dangerous driving" - even though he was going under the speed limit, did not swerve or lose control of the car, and no one got hurt...

Now his license has been suspended for a year and he has been fined £90 (about $160 US)! "I think it's incredibly harsh. Just because I'm a young guy, they want to make an example of me," Toehill said...

Finally! It took 15 years for Jim Reed and Sandy Egnew of Cincinnati, Ohio, to get married, but they finally tied the knot yesterday... What took so long? The Cincinnati Bengals kept losing! The couple went on their first date to a 1991 Bengals exhibition game... They've been together ever since... "We haven't missed a home game since we started dating,'' Sandy said... And they've always jokingly said that they'd get married the next time the Bengals made it to the playoffs...

And yesterday, the Bengals did! And so did the Reeds!

The two wore their traditional gameday gear (Bengals jerseys), held the ceremony in a parking lot near the stadium, exchanged tiger-striped bracelets instead of rings, and were surrounded by dozens of Bengals and Steelers fans... They even sung the Bengals fight song! The honeymoon will take place "sometime after the playoffs,'' Jim said...

(One can only hope their marriage lasts longer than the Bengals post season!)

Luciano Mares of Fort Sumner, New Mexico, caught a mouse in his house this weekend... Rather than just letting it loose outside, he wanted to do something more final about the matter... "I had some leaves burning outside, so I threw it in the fire," Mares said... The mouse, rather than going quietly, leaped from the flames and, while still ablaze, ran back into the house! Village Fire Chief Juan Chavez said the burning mouse managed to run under the drapes by a window and the flames spread up from there to engulf the whole house... No one was hurt, but the home and everything in it was destroyed! "I've seen numerous house fires," Fire Captain Jim Lyssy said, "but nothing as unique as this one...."

It all started back on June 7 during an argument between Raymond Hugh McNealy and Nanette Vonfeldt, two neighbors from Germantown, Maryland... Apparently lacking a witty rejoinder, McNealy decided to moon Vonfeldt and her daughter... She pressed charges... The case went to trial in September, where McNealy lost... He appealed... And yesterday judge John W. Debelius III overturned the conviction, stating that while the act was "disgusting" and "demeaning," it was not illegal... "If exposure of half of the buttock constituted indecent exposure, any woman wearing a thong at the beach at Ocean City would be guilty," he said in his ruling... He did suggest, however, that the outcome of the trial could have been different if the defendent had been on trial for "being a jerk..."

Defense lawyer James Maxwell heralded the verdict as a "comfort to all beachgoers and plumbers" in the state of Maryland...

Pop Quiz: Name an event where a famous group can sing, but if they were part of the audience would not be allowed in... Give up? It's the Superbowl 2006 half-time show! This year's headliner is the Rolling Stones... These guys are good, and they've been around for a while... A long while - the youngest member (Ronnie Wood) is 58 and the oldest is almost 70!

Which is where the fun starts... The NFL is restricting the people allowed on the field to watch the show to those between the ages of 18 and 45! The Rolling Stones can perform, but would not be allowed on the field to watch if they were fans! "You have to attend rehearsal and be able to stand for long stretches of time," National Football League spokesman Brian McCarthy said... Plus, the lucky 2000 fans will be expected to dance, sing, cheer, remain on their feet for long periods and wait in a tunnel for most of the first half... And they must attend up to five rehearsals lasting up to seven hours each...

Which goes back to the question of if the Stones can do all of that in their 60s, why not allow some of the long-time fans out to watch them? If they can do what needs done, it shouldn't matter what their age is!

1. Preserve thyself.
2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.
3. A penny saved is an oversight.
4. Information deteriorates upward.
5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.
6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.
7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.
8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.
9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.
10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

From Scotland's Daily Record:

• I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
• I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet . . .
• I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
• Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
• I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
• The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.
• The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
• I prefer to remain an enigma.
• I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
• I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
• I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
• I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
• I've used up all my sick days . . . so I'm calling in dead!
• I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.
Those who can't teach, counsel.
Those who can't counsel, administrate.
Those who can't administrate, enter data into the computer.
Those who can't enter data into the computer, take dictation.
Those who can't take dictation, alphabetize files.
Those who can't alphabetize files, answer the phone.
Those who can't answer the phone, fry hamburgers.
Those who can't fry hamburgers, run the cash register.
Those who can't run the cash register, wait on tables.
Those who can't wait on tables, carry dirty dishes to the kitchen.
Those who can't carry dirty dishes to the kitchen, wash the dirty dishes.
Those who can't wash dirty dishes, peel potatoes.
Those who can't peel potatoes, buff the floor.
Those who can't buff the floor, haul out the garbage.
Those who can't haul out the garbage, write poetry.
Those who can't write poetry, write clever letters to the editor.
Those who can't write clever letters to the editor, write angry letters to the editor.
Those who can't write angry letters to the editor, spray-paint graffiti.
Those who can't spray-paint graffiti, write screenplays.
Those who can't write screenplays, write TV scripts.
Those who can't write TV scripts, read scripts for the studios.
Those who can't read scripts for the studios, act.
Those who can't act, take acting classes.
Those who can't take acting classes, sing.
Those who can't sing, sing Rock'N'Roll.
Those who can't sing Rock'N'Roll, sing it anyway.
Those who can't sing it anyway, become depressed.
Those who can't become depressed, get bitter.
Those who can't get bitter, get confused.
Those who can't get confused, stay confused.
Those who stay confused, find it difficult to complete unfinished sentences.
Those who find it difficult to complete unfinished sentences, _____________.

It's that time of year - time for the annual Banished Words List from Lake Superior State University (LSSU)! The list started 30 years ago at a New Year's party when Bill Rabe and some other LSSU staff decided to "banish" words or phrases for "mis-use, over-use, or general uselessness..." Almost 2000 words and phrases were submitted this year through the LSSU website, and a committee selected 17 this year for banishment, including:

• Hunker Down - To brace oneself, in anticipation of media onslaught... Trotted out in reports about everything from politics to hurricanes... "I have a hankering to ban all of this hunkering," said submitter Kate Rabe
• Person of Interest – Found within the context of legal commentary, but seldom encountered at cocktail parties...
• Community of Learners - A five-dollar phrase on a nickel-errand... Value-added into many higher education mission statements... "Not to be confused with 'school,'" said Jim Howard
• 97% Fat Free – Adventures in delusion... "Still has 3% fat... Accept it," said Andrew Clucas
• An Accident That Didn't Have To Happen – Best-laid mayhem... "This means some accidents need to happen, for whatever reason, I can't figure," said Thomas Price