Believe it or not, one month after the official end of hurricane season, we're giving another test to our knowledge of the Greek alphabet. We've got Tropical Storm Zeta swirling around in the Altantic. I guess it missed the memo that the season was over.......

Have you ever sat in the turn lane at a traffic light (because you needed to, not just for fun), and noticed the turn signals on all the other cars around you? None of them blink at the same rate - some are faster, others slower... Why is that? Is there no research on "best blink times" that car manufacturers can use? Is it totally random? (If it is random, are the slow ones or the fast ones the ones the engineers snuck by Quality Control as a joke?) Do they use focus groups? (Can you imaging that? Which looks better, this blink or that blink?) It just makes you wonder...

1. Birds of a feather flock together ... and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to lookfor it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
14. Did you ever notice: When you put together "THE" and "IRS," it spells "THEIRS

Did you have a white Christmas? Looking for something to do with the snow rather than just shovel it? Take a tip from a family in Akron, Ohio! They used all that snow to build a snowman... A 20 foot tall snowman! That's as tall as a house!

(Luckily, no one found a hat for him... Can you image him walking through the streets of town?!?)

Merry Christmas!

We're sitting here by the fireplace, watching movies, and just enjoying time spent with family - everyone made it home for Christmas!

I hope all of you have enjoyed today as much as I have...

Merry Christmas, and to all a good night!

The police of Greensboro, North Carolina, are going to need some time to figure this one out... It apparently all started when a door-to-door shoe salesman went to a vacant house by mistake... When he knocked on the door, four men grabbed him, pulled him inside, and locked him in a closet... Then they tried to steal his car...

Which is where it gets interesting...

The salesman kicked his way out of the closet and, for lack of a better weapon, grabbed a lamp to use as a weapon... He used the lamp to smash the window to his own car as the four men attempted to drive away... This caused the driver to careen into a tree! One of the men had a gun and tried to shoot the saleman, but hit one of his buddies instead... The man who had been shot got out of the car, ran into the road, and got hit by a car! Luckily, he survived and tried to flag down another car to get to the hospital... Instead, the driver took him to a grocery store where he called for help...

Police are still trying to figure out who will get charged...

Ah Google... It looks like Google is turning into the Internet equivilent of the Champs-Elize: if you sit and wait long enough, everyone in the world will come by... Take, for example, the student from Bristol, the United Kingdom, who found himself and a friend in a satellite photo on Google Earth! The two of them had spent the summer working, but got off early enough to spend several hours each day sunbathing in the garden by their house... Some time during that period, the satellite went over, their picture got taken, and Google ended up adding it to Google Earth!

(It is absolutely amazing what ends up being found through Google these days... If you don't believe me, take a look at Google's 2005 annual zeitgeist... Some of the graphs are especially interesting...)

Looking for a break from the Christmas shopping? Ponder these:

• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes...
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it...
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you...
• It's always darkest before dawn... So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it...
• Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted...
• No one is listening until you make a mistake...
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else...
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others...
• It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help...
• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything...
• Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield...Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment...
• There are two theories to arguing with women... Neither one works...
• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving...
• Never miss a good chance to shut up...
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it...

What would Christmas be without watching It's a Wonderful Life... Even in the original black and white it still packs a punch... But did you ever wonder what would happen if they tried to bring it up to date for today's youth? Wonder no more! Just sit back and prepare for It's A Wonderful Internet!

They say you should always try to learn something new every day... If you haven't done it yet today, maybe these will help:

• The Body Shop is not allowed into mainland China... Anita Roddick, the store's founder, revealed this week that they are banned because China insists all products be tested on animals... The retail chain is currently currently in discussion with the Chinese authorities to see if product safety history or alternative non-animal tests can get them into the market there...
• Aslan is Turkish for lion... This is important because the lion in The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe (book and movie) is named Aslan... Which might have something to do with why the White Witch tempts Edmund to her side with the offer of a Turkish delight!
• The Torino Olympics next year will be the third time an Italian city has been select to host the winter games, but only the second time they have actually done so... In 1956, the first Italian Olympics were held in Cortina... Cortina had actually been selected 12 years earlier, but the world was a war in 1944, and the games were canceled...

A November Associated Press detailed a new spin on an old game: underwater hockey! Six players per team hold their breath, and pass a puck along the bottom of a pool with sticks. Players come up for air as seldom as possible. Worldwide there are dozens of clubs, almost fifty in the United States. A championship tournament is planned for next year in Sheffield, England. Apparently the players are quite devoted to their sport: According to one high school player from Cincinnati, "(W)hen you're close to the goal, you're like, 'Do I want to score a goal or breathe?' Most of the time I say, 'Score.'"

Is the penalty box under water too???

If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away
. . . you just might be a Scrooge.

If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas
. . . you just might be a Scrooge.

If you get your Christmas tree at a rest stop at night
. . . you just might be a Scrooge.

If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts
. . . you just might be a Scrooge.

If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park
. . . you just might be a Scrooge.

If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat
. . . you just might be a Scrooge.

If your favorite pastime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors' string of Christmas lights
. . . you just might be a Scrooge.

If your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin
. . . you just might be a Scrooge.

In recent weeks, a small group of Dante enthusiasts meeting to read "The Divine Comedy", have completed reading and discussing the nine circles of Hell. The group, members of Boston College's Lectura Dantis, have been meeting monthly since February 2000. They still have yet to read the seven deadly sins of Purgatory and the nine spheres of Heaven. They expect to reach the last canto in about the year 2016!

Now that's dedication!

We are moving... In fact, we are moving from this house to another this Friday... Which means we are in the middle of a packing frenzy! And we're learning some interesting things:

• The Inverse Box Rule - Packing follows an exponential inverse curve... The more you pack, the less you have to pack, but you never seem to reach 0... Corollary: You will always run out of boxes before you run out of stuff to pack...
• Murphy's Law of Packing: The box you should not have packed will always be loaded in the truck first and no one will notice until the truck is half full...
• The Law Of Gravity... The heavier the object and more stairs you have to carry it down, the more likely you are to think about just tossing it over the deck rail to make your job easier...
• The Cool Effects Rule - If a bookcase falls over in the yard, it makes a big whooshing sound... It is actually somewhat impressive...
• The Puzzle Piece Rule - The one box that is just the right size for that spot on the truck will be the last box you find... Corollary: In some cases, you may never find it...
• The Law Of Stickyness - Tape will always stick to anything and everything... Except the box you are trying to tape shut...

Have you noticed how cell phones are fast becoming a fashion statement as much as a communications device? Some people talk more about their phone than on their phone... Well, as with all things, there are only two ways to go - forward or back... If you want to go after the latest and greatest in smallest and flashiest, fine... But if you'd rather talk to the beat of a different drummer then Hulger has just the product for you!

Hulger has introduced the definitive retro handset line for cell phones... Take, for example, the P*PHONE... Not only does it connect to your cell phone via a traditional spiral cord, it looks and feels like a traditional handset from the 60's or 70's! If that is too retro for you, check out the PIP*PHONE... It would look at home next to any lava lamp anywhere! Plus, there is even a bluetooth version so you can cut the cord and keep the handset!

So the next time your friend pulls out his itsy-bitsy all-in-one handset/cellphone, pull one of these out and show them what a handset is supposed to be!

It is always so busy this time of year... With Thanksgiving, Christmas and the other holidays, you might just miss out on some of the more interesting things that are going on in the world:

• The British government paid performance artist Tomoko Takahashi to get drunk! After receiving a 4900 Pound (about $8,600 US) grant, Takahashi gave an exhibition of inebriation at the Chapter Arts Center in Cardiff, Wales... The entire 3 hour display consisted of of her drinking beer and occassionally seeing how far she could walk across a narrow beam... A Chapter spokesman called the demonstration a "powerful piece of art..."
• Local newspapers reported that the New Delhi, India, government's 97 paid rat catchers have not caught a single rodent since 1994!
• Hein Wagner set a new land speed record of 160 mph (about 257 kph)... Here's the kicker - he's blind! He and his navigor set the bland land speed record driving a Maserati V-8 GranSport on an airstrip in Mafikeng, South Africa...
• A man decided to try curbside bank robbery in Auckland, New Zealand! Apparently deciding his previous haul was insufficient, he called the bank and said, "I'm the guy who robbed you the other day and I want the manager to put some money in a bag and go and stand in the street..." Needless to say, the cops caught him...
• The Royal Meteorological Society, looking for evidence of global warming, discovered David Grisenthwaite, 77, of Kirkcaldy, Scotland... Grisenthwaite keeps detailed log books of much that he does, including every single time he mowed his lawn since 1984... The result? grass-growing season is longer lately...
• Police in Memphis, Tennessee, closed down a crack house on Rosamond Street... Finding it was not hard as the resident usually announced the start of business hours by hanging out a sign reading, "Crack House"...

You know those lists of the wealthiest people? Forbes put a new twist on it, and ranked the top 15 richest fictional characters.

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
- Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
- The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
- Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

The current President Bush's dog Spot is the only pet to live in the White House during two administrations. Spot was born to Millie, George H.W. Bush's dog, when George H.W. Bush was President.

One of Leonardo da Vinci's famous sketches is of a flying machine. But his was not the first! An actual attempt at flight was made in the eleventh century!

William of Malmesbury, twelfth-century English chronicler, wrote the following about Eilmer, an English inventor:
He was a man learned for those times, of ripe old age, and in his early youth had hazarded a deed of remarkable boldness. He had by some means, I scarcely know what, fastened wings to his hands and feet so that, mistaking fable for truth, he might fly like Daedalus, and collecting the breeze on the summit of a tower, he flew for more than the distance of a furlong. But, agitated by the violence of the wind and the swirling of the air, as well as by awareness of his rashness, he fell, broke his legs, and was lame ever after. He himself used to say that the cause of his failure was his forgetting to put a tail on the back part.
(cited in Cathedral, Forge, and Waterwheel by Frances and Joseph Gies)

Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2005 Arkansas EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of Arkansas. If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The Arkansas EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads:
WINDERS 2005, with a background picture of Waylon and Willie superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN Arkansas EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset..............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find...............hunt fer it
Go to.............over yonder
Back...............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop...............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... .stuff ah done did

Also note that the Arkansas EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2005:
Tiperiter............a word processing program
Colerin' Book..................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen............calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net......................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers........................a graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the Arkansas EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob Gates
Git 'er done!

It's Christmas time! People are putting their Christmas lights up and decorating their houses... Some displays look more impressive than others, though... Take, for example, the display from last year by Carson Williams of Mason, Ohio... Not only was the house lit up, it was also animated to the tunes of Wizards of Winter (by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra) and Jingle Bells!

And he's not alone - Annalisa from the Dallas/Fort Worth area in Texas set up her display last year to perform Carol of the Bells and Feliz Navidad...

So if you are looking to spice up your Christmas light display this year, visit WonderlandChristmas.com to find out more on how these displays were done and what you need to create your own!

(Have fun!)

Ever bought software that you really needed but then found out it didn't do what you thought it did? Ever had anyone install computer equipment and then felt somehow that it didn't come out the way you wanted it? Ever wonder why? Well, now you can find out!